Thursday, January 29, 2009


"There's no such thing as fake titties. If I can touch them, they're real."

He says he learned it from his brother, the Manwhore. Wow. I'm so lucky. *eyeroll*

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Birdisms, Vol. 3

Due to the weather, the power has been flickering all morning. I was in the kitchen getting Tim some string cheese and it flickered again. Then I hear Sam from the living room say "MOM! I just clapped and made the TV come back on." I said "Yes, you're magic." And now he thinks he can make the power come back on if it goes off.

Snow day!

I cannot rub this in's a grownup snow day here in the big HC! We're on a level 3 snow emergency, which means if you ain't in an ambulance, you shouldn't be driving, lest you wind up in one, so my work and a lot of others are closed. It's like ODOT threw up their hands and said, "Fuck it, you win snow. Take over the streets and highways." I for one do not mind, unless my power goes out. Then I'll brave imminent arrest (it's cool, I have a badge) and slippy slide to my grandma's for heat.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

This post brought to you by...the letter H!

LiLu always has the fun ideas, like TMI Thursday and this one, which asks you to write ten things you love that start with your randomly assigned letter. Mine is "H".

If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.

1) HHB of course. Also of course not his real name, but it's what I call him here. Even when we fight and I feel like punching him in the throat, I still adore him.

2) Hillbillies. They get a bad rap, but the honest to god hillbillies I know are hardworking, honest, loyal people. And yes, they have all their teeth. That Snuffy Smith stereotype is just as offensive to those of us who are actual Appalachians as blackface is to African-Americans. Think of that next time you start telling some joke that involves a "Billy Bob" and less than a full mouth of teeth.

3) Hippy poptarts. That's what I call them, but they're really organic poptarts I got at TJs the first time, and then I found them in the organic sections at Kroger and Giant Eagle, also. Some of my mommy board friends sneer, but I love that they're whole grain and the fruit tastes like...fruit. What a novel concept.

4) Halle Bunny. She's our pet rabbit. We keep her in her hutch too much, but she's a little bitch sometimes when we try to get her out of the cage. She doesn't always appreciate that we're trying to do right by her.

5) Heat. I'm freezing about 80% of the time. The rest of the time, I'm snuggled under the covers with HHB.

6) Health Insurance. I haz it. Finally. I've been uninsured for over a year at this point, and that was after a period of about a year of being insured, which was preceded by, you guessed it, no insurance.

7) Home. I'm not here nearly enough, so I appreciate every second that I am.

8) Hellboy. Both movies. I have a ridiculous attachment to them, even though they're goofy as hell in places. I pink puffy heart Hellboy.

9) HC, my stomping grounds. I love it here, it's good to be a big fish in a little pond, and it still feels as good to be back home as it did four years ago when the Ex and I moved back down here after I finished law school. I am not cut out for the big city. It's nice to visit, but I can't live there.

10) Humping. Not what I usually call it, but it fits the category. I never do anything even close to this kinky, (nor do I want to) but I got this video on my MySpace and it's so hilarious I have to share:

And because I'm feeling generous, some things that start with H that I don't like. Hickies, hookers, hypocrites,the hours I keep these days, and my HUGE ass.

Come play!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Birdisms, Vol. 2

This morning I was trying to change Bug and Bird was like, "Mommy! Mommy!" until I finally said "WHAT?!" in my cranky voice.

"Oh, you didn't get your sleep out, did you, Mommy?"

LMAO. No, no I didn't.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Bugisms, Vol. 1

Bug just held up a Build-A-Bear box, looked at us questioningly, and said "Yeowh."

Fortunately, HHB and I are fluent in Bug, and HHB told him "NO, we're not putting the cat in the box!"

Poor Floyd.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


How can it be that two people as madly in love as we are fight so fucking much? Maybe I really am too difficult to ever make anyone happy. :(

Saturday, January 10, 2009

He signed!

YAY!!! Now I just have to sign and have my signature notarized and witnessed, and then file with the court. They'll set a hearing within the next two months, and I should be divorced by March or so!

Friday, January 9, 2009

"I swear"

That's what he said. "I SWEAR I'll get the paperwork to you tomorrow."

That was last night.

It's 7:30 p.m. Guess what I don't have?

I'll keep you posted.

Complete and utter douchebaggery.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A Prayer

Dear eight pound, six ounce, newborn baby Jesus, don't even know a word yet, please save me from those who know too many words and use them to say the mostly socially retarded things imaginable.


Sunday, January 4, 2009

Birdisms, Vol. 1

Today we did a belated Christmas with my grandma. Sam looked at her manager scene, and told my mom, "That baby looks dead!" What do you say to that, really? Well, here's what my family said:

My mom: "You can tell he doesn't go to Sunday school." (Without judgment, in her defense.)
My grandma: Big sigh.
Me, my dad, and HHB: Hysterical laughter. Yes, we're going straight to hell.