Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Sorry I've been AWOL lately, life has been crazy. We've gotten in and then out of a contract on a house, shuttled kids here there and everywhere, and worked our butts off. Bird started kindergarten this year, and the first week or so was rocky but now he's doing wonderfully. Always comes home with reports of good behavior, and he's making all kinds of friends. Bug is a little lost without his "deedee", but is also enjoying his alone time with my Nan.

And finally, for the big news...I'm getting married next Friday. :) HHF's divorce FINALLY finalized, and we're having a private ceremony next Friday, followed by a honeymoon, followed by a reception next Saturday. :) Which means that THIS Friday is my bachelorette party. Me and 10 or so of the girls are headed to the Big City to raise some hell. Look out C-bus, here we come!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

...but she's still got a few miles left in her

I've blogged about my Nan before, because I was a little worried she was losing her spark. Well, this week the old woman pleasantly surprised me.

She hates telemarketers with a fiery passion she usually reserves for people who shit on her family. For a while, she got to the point that she stopped answering her phone when she didn't recognize the number on caller ID. So the answering machine always kicked on, and that's when inspiration struck her. Her new message goes something like this:

"Hi, you've reached Miss Kitty's Porn Studio. If you are interested in a new career, please leave your name and address, and we'll send you an application. Be sure to enclose a nude photo when you send it back. You have a nice day now!"

If I did this, it wouldn't be nearly as funny. But out of my 68-year old grandma? Priceless.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

He was apparently ready, but I was not. My papaw died this morning. :( I haven't lost anyone really close for a very long time, and I'm not dealing well right now.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


My daily commute is generally my time for reflection. This morning, as usual, I travelled the twenty minutes to work deep in thought, and during the course of this, I had two important realizations. The first is that my papaw is dying. He's been sick for a long time, and he has ups and downs, but always gets better. So since his latest illness, I've been telling myself he's going to get better, he always does. But it finally hit me this morning that this is the last time. I've been pushing it out of my mind, ignoring what everyone has been telling me about how there's nothing more the doctors can do, they're putting him in hospice, but it's going to be a long time...Then like everything does, it hit me in the car, alone, and I started crying. I realized that it's too late to talk to him about all the things I've been meaning to talk to him about and to visit all the times I've meant to visit.

The second is that I'm no longer fantasizing about suicide. I don't give off a suicidal vibe. Most people who know me don't realize how intensely depressed I can and have gotten at different times over the last couple of years. When I was contemplating leaving the ex, I frequently considered what would happen if I ran off the road and died. Would my kids be better off without me? Would anyone even care? Did I care? The fact that I couldn't definitively answer yes to the first question is the only thing that kept me from doing it. That and the fact that I wasn't sure if I'd actually die, and after watching my parents suffer from injuries from car accidents, I didn't really want to go through all that.

So this morning I hydroplaned a little. And I corrected and it was all good. But it hit me that I didn't have a brief moment of relief at the thought that this might be it. And that in fact, I hadn't contemplated it for a long time. Because even as frustrated as I got with HHF's divorce, and my job, overall, life is worth it. And at this point, it feels like it always will be.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Pancakes, Road Kill Style

I saw him sitting there from about 100 feet away. I admired his tiny cuteness as he put his little paws up to his mouth and stuffed something in his cheek pouches. I watched him put his paws down and crouch as he became aware of my vehicle barreling towards him. I diligently guesstimated how to straddle him with my tires to preserve his tiny self in all his cuteness.

I am not a good judge of distance. My tire hit him like a rolling pin hits dough, or a pasta roller makes noodles. He was instantly compressed into a round chipmunk fur disk, which I gazed at, horrified, in the rearview mirror. A tiny segment of my day, but one I spent more time than appropriate beating myself up about. I make big decisions that affect people's lives everyday, but I agonized over the fate of one slightly suicidal chipmunk for hours. Rational? Probably not entirely. But the people I deal with have a lot more options than that poor chipmunk, who chose to hunker down and wait for me to pass instead of zigzagging around in a panic on the asphalt.

Friday, June 5, 2009


I called my grandma to let her know I was on my way to get the boys. She told me Bird was really excited because he had a surprise. Boy did he.

A CAT. She got him a freaking kitten. Now when we move, we have Fat Cat, Fatter Cat (who's currently at the humane society but is coming once we're moved into our house), Big Dumb Dog (also at the humane society), possibly another puppy if there are boxers left, AND a kitten. Can you say menagerie?

And the important part of this post...we're buying a house if the appraisal goes well. We're waiting for the results. Keep your fingers crossed. Hence all the animals. I had to talk them into Fat Cat when I moved here and I promised no other pets. We had the illicit rabbit (RIP Halle Bunny) but she was mostly in the garage. Now that we're getting our own place, which is huge and in the country, we're making up for lost time apparently.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


Today I was following an annoyingly slow driver and I thought, "Why is this jerk driving like a grandma?" And I thought about how, when I was little, my grandma drove like a bat out of hell. I mean, 60 mph and hollering. Once, I was helping her move, and we got to the new house with a load, and she goes, "Where's my toaster?" I saw it on the way back to get another load. Her crazy ass had went around a curve too fast, and the toaster was roadkill. But that was before I could even drive myself.

Now? She drives like, well, a grandma. I hate moments like that, because it forces me to realize that she really is getting older. I wish I could freeze her in time, flying around the corners, tossing toasters off the back of the truck.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Chemical Warfare

Everytime I know I'm going to have to spend an extended amount of time with my mother, I wear patchouli, because it reminds her of someone she doesn't like. Yes, I'm passive-aggressive, and yes, I'm going to hell.

Monday, April 27, 2009

You Can't Catch Me Because the Rabbit Done Died

:( RIP Halle Bunny. We moved her cage out of the garage yesterday for the boys' party, and so she could get some sun and fresh air now that the weather has turned. When we checked on her last night, she was dead. No signs of foul play, we think the change was just too much for her. Bunnies are fragile.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

How Freaking Lucky Am I?

I know I complain on here a lot. I have a blog so everyone IRL doesn't have to listen to me bitching. But you know, I was laying in bed with the Bug this morning, because his own bed is NOT good enough for him, and I realized that I have some awesome friends, a fantastic boyfriend, beautiful kids, and a stable job I love, that actually pays the bills. And I had one of those so happy I almost burst moments. Then I kissed and squeezed Bug, who promptly squeaked at me, rolled over, and commenced to drooling on my pillow. :)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Birdisms, Vol. 4

He was talking to my grandma today about my other grandparents and said "Even though they're old like you, I love them anyway."

Thank god he likes the old folks, he's picking out my nursing home.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dear Grossly Obese Lady at My Gym....

Props to you for coming in and working out everyday. I know it's hard for me to come in and work out and look at the skinny bitches everyday, and as improbable as it is for me to see myself that way, I probably AM one of those skinny bitches to you. So good for you, and I wish you much success.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dear Lady Parked Next to Me at the Walmart...

And I use the term "lady" loosely to include white trash skanks that are exactly what most people think of when they think "hillbilly" and totally make the rest of us look bad.

Your daughter gave me the sweetest little smile as I backed out of my parking space. It'd be even cuter if you'd put out your cigarette, actually strapped your kids into some carseats, and take those babies home and wash their little faces and wipe their noses. Which probably wouldn't be running if you didn't have them sitting in the car with the window cracked as you slowly poison them.

When I pass that law requiring a license to be a parent, you'll be the first one I prosecute.

Get your shit together, please.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


"There's no such thing as fake titties. If I can touch them, they're real."

He says he learned it from his brother, the Manwhore. Wow. I'm so lucky. *eyeroll*

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Birdisms, Vol. 3

Due to the weather, the power has been flickering all morning. I was in the kitchen getting Tim some string cheese and it flickered again. Then I hear Sam from the living room say "MOM! I just clapped and made the TV come back on." I said "Yes, you're magic." And now he thinks he can make the power come back on if it goes off.

Snow day!

I cannot rub this in's a grownup snow day here in the big HC! We're on a level 3 snow emergency, which means if you ain't in an ambulance, you shouldn't be driving, lest you wind up in one, so my work and a lot of others are closed. It's like ODOT threw up their hands and said, "Fuck it, you win snow. Take over the streets and highways." I for one do not mind, unless my power goes out. Then I'll brave imminent arrest (it's cool, I have a badge) and slippy slide to my grandma's for heat.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

This post brought to you by...the letter H!

LiLu always has the fun ideas, like TMI Thursday and this one, which asks you to write ten things you love that start with your randomly assigned letter. Mine is "H".

If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.

1) HHB of course. Also of course not his real name, but it's what I call him here. Even when we fight and I feel like punching him in the throat, I still adore him.

2) Hillbillies. They get a bad rap, but the honest to god hillbillies I know are hardworking, honest, loyal people. And yes, they have all their teeth. That Snuffy Smith stereotype is just as offensive to those of us who are actual Appalachians as blackface is to African-Americans. Think of that next time you start telling some joke that involves a "Billy Bob" and less than a full mouth of teeth.

3) Hippy poptarts. That's what I call them, but they're really organic poptarts I got at TJs the first time, and then I found them in the organic sections at Kroger and Giant Eagle, also. Some of my mommy board friends sneer, but I love that they're whole grain and the fruit tastes like...fruit. What a novel concept.

4) Halle Bunny. She's our pet rabbit. We keep her in her hutch too much, but she's a little bitch sometimes when we try to get her out of the cage. She doesn't always appreciate that we're trying to do right by her.

5) Heat. I'm freezing about 80% of the time. The rest of the time, I'm snuggled under the covers with HHB.

6) Health Insurance. I haz it. Finally. I've been uninsured for over a year at this point, and that was after a period of about a year of being insured, which was preceded by, you guessed it, no insurance.

7) Home. I'm not here nearly enough, so I appreciate every second that I am.

8) Hellboy. Both movies. I have a ridiculous attachment to them, even though they're goofy as hell in places. I pink puffy heart Hellboy.

9) HC, my stomping grounds. I love it here, it's good to be a big fish in a little pond, and it still feels as good to be back home as it did four years ago when the Ex and I moved back down here after I finished law school. I am not cut out for the big city. It's nice to visit, but I can't live there.

10) Humping. Not what I usually call it, but it fits the category. I never do anything even close to this kinky, (nor do I want to) but I got this video on my MySpace and it's so hilarious I have to share:

And because I'm feeling generous, some things that start with H that I don't like. Hickies, hookers, hypocrites,the hours I keep these days, and my HUGE ass.

Come play!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Birdisms, Vol. 2

This morning I was trying to change Bug and Bird was like, "Mommy! Mommy!" until I finally said "WHAT?!" in my cranky voice.

"Oh, you didn't get your sleep out, did you, Mommy?"

LMAO. No, no I didn't.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Bugisms, Vol. 1

Bug just held up a Build-A-Bear box, looked at us questioningly, and said "Yeowh."

Fortunately, HHB and I are fluent in Bug, and HHB told him "NO, we're not putting the cat in the box!"

Poor Floyd.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


How can it be that two people as madly in love as we are fight so fucking much? Maybe I really am too difficult to ever make anyone happy. :(

Saturday, January 10, 2009

He signed!

YAY!!! Now I just have to sign and have my signature notarized and witnessed, and then file with the court. They'll set a hearing within the next two months, and I should be divorced by March or so!

Friday, January 9, 2009

"I swear"

That's what he said. "I SWEAR I'll get the paperwork to you tomorrow."

That was last night.

It's 7:30 p.m. Guess what I don't have?

I'll keep you posted.

Complete and utter douchebaggery.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A Prayer

Dear eight pound, six ounce, newborn baby Jesus, don't even know a word yet, please save me from those who know too many words and use them to say the mostly socially retarded things imaginable.


Sunday, January 4, 2009

Birdisms, Vol. 1

Today we did a belated Christmas with my grandma. Sam looked at her manager scene, and told my mom, "That baby looks dead!" What do you say to that, really? Well, here's what my family said:

My mom: "You can tell he doesn't go to Sunday school." (Without judgment, in her defense.)
My grandma: Big sigh.
Me, my dad, and HHB: Hysterical laughter. Yes, we're going straight to hell.