Wednesday, November 26, 2008

O rly?

Bird came to work with me today. He got up this morning and came in my room, and when I lifted the covers for him, he said, "No, I'm not coming to get in bed, I'm coming to remind you I'm going to work with you today!" Oh, if only it were that exciting for me to come here everyday.

In the car on the way in, I asked him what he wanted Santa to bring him. The following conversation ensued.

Bird: Um...I want a MONSTER TRUCK!
Me (thinking fast): I don't think Santa can fit that on the sleigh.
Him (thinking faster): He could just DRIVE it!
Me (still on my toes): What about the reindeer?
Him (reminding me why I should have had more caffiene before embarking on this conversation): He could tie them to the back.
Me(still not admitting defeat): What about the sleigh?
Him: He could tie it to the back, too.
Me (with my ace in the hole): What about the presents?
Him: He could put them in the trunk. Do monster trucks have trunks?
Me (feeling more hopeful): No, they have beds.
Him (clearly not understanding that lots of things could be hauled in a truck bed): Then Santa could drive ANOTHER car with the presents.
Me (jumping up and down with glee on the inside, I have him now): How can Santa drive two cars at the same time?
Him: Because he's MAGIC!

DAMN DAMN DAMN!! How did I get outsmarted by a four year old? Santa is supposed to be on Mommy's side, always!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Laina Wazowski

Bird drew a picture of me this morning. I had a head with arms and legs sticking out of it, like an M&M:

Or Mike Wazoski:

He does love Monsters, Inc., but I guess this is a normal stage kids go through. I told him to make a second, bigger circle for a body. He drew Garfield. HE got a body. Maybe I should have told him to use a triangle, otherwise I'll end up looking like Mommy the Snowman. Or Fat Mommy. Okay, that hits a little too close to home.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

And now they're being adorable...

Sigh. Why do they do this to me? If they were just beasts all the time, I could run away and never look back. But Bird's playing with his trucks, and Bug is laying on the floor watching Noggin. Oh, wait, now he's coming over to torment the cat and climb on me. Hold the train!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Lord Help Me.

HHB has to work two twelve hour days this weekend (he's on this weird rotating schedule where he has to work two weekends out of five). It's just me and Bird and Bug. Bird actually hung out with my grandma part of the day, but came home around 3.

After dealing with them all day, I'm ready to tear my hair out. They're really good till about 6:30 or 7 usually, and then all hell breaks loose. For the last hour, if one of them wasn't screaming, the other was.

I owe my Ex some super good Christmas cookies for all those weekends he watched them while I was campaigning. I know they're his kids and his responsibility too, but right now they're lucky they're too old to qualify for the safe haven law. I'm sure he had days like this with them, and he never once complained. So extra cookies for him.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Guy was awesome!!!

But the rest of the food show was a bit of a let down. Not enough samples, free or otherwise. I wanted to eat my way through all that Cleveland had to offer. :( I had to get Chipotle on the way home. Maybe next year will be better. But Guy was funny and great about audience participation and just an all around stellar guy. (No pun intended) Watch his Food Network shows, he's awesome.

The Exchange

Well, Saturday went pretty well, considering. Evil Ex (who shall henceforth be referred to as Gollum for her resemblance to said character) pulled up, cigarette hanging from her lips as usual, and I got the stank eye as soon as she saw me in the driver's seat. She somehow managed to not speak a word to HHB as he herded the kids into my mommymobile. The only snag occurred when Bird said, "Mommy, who's that girl in that other car?" I said, "That's Spider Monkey's mom." His eyes got huge and he said, "But MOMMY. She's BAD!"

Do you know how hard it is to shush a four year old while trying not to laugh?

Just a note in my defense--I did NOT tell him she's bad. I haven't even spoken about how bad she is in FRONT of him. He hasn't liked her since May when he thought he wasn't going to get to play with Spider Monkey because she was engaging in her usual douchebaggery. What can I say, my kid is a good judge of character.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Oh Good Times

The beasties and I are going with Hot Hippy Boyfriend to get his kids tomorrow. Since he got home in July, I have managed to avoid contact with Evil Ex, which is probably good after the incident when he was home in May on leave and she called me a whore. The urge to stab her in the face everytime I think of her is damn near overwhelming, god knows how I'll overcome it when she's actually in front of me.

My greatest fear is that she'll say something snarky about my boys. They're perfect of course, but she's not above saying something about them out of spite. After all, she did basically call my youngest a bastard. (No, he isn't, in case there was any doubt.) Hot Hippy Boyfriend (who was then just Hot Hippy Best Friend) was not even in the country when Bug was conceived. Anyway, all of you that have kids know that when someone goes on the attack against your babies, that red lens goes down across your eyes and all you can think is "kill kill kill". Add that to the already present urge to do stabbity things and I'm thinking Hot Hippy Boyfriend should have invested in a Hannibal Lector suit before he takes me in her vicinity again.

But I'll just grit my teeth and keep reminding myself what I was telling someone on Facebook today. A good life is the best revenge, and the only thing she rocks harder than me is Guitar Hero. And that's only because I have a job, friends, great kids, and Hot Hippy Boyfriend to occupy my time, so I don't get a lot of practice. I'd feel sorry for her...except my brain is still screaming "kill kill kill" for that bastard campaign she went on.

I'm so there!

The food show! We're going to see Guy Fieri and wander aisles and aisles of glorious food, cooking utensils, and all things food and cooking related. I am SOOOO psyched that I'm talking like a HS student. From 1995. Sorry about that.

I will make an effort to actually take a camera and take some pics for Monday.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I just found out there is a HUGE food convention in Cleveland, and the boys will be with their dad all day Sunday. I smell a ROAD TRIP in the works! And if it all works out the way I want, I'll even get to rub my little cousin's growing belly. Now all that's left is to get Hot Hippy Boyfriend on board. Shouldn't be too hard, I have means at my disposal.

Back to Blogging

I have too much pent up bitching to NOT blog, so I'm back to blogging. I think I was underground long enough for my cyber-stalking problem to cease, so hopefully I'm in the clear and can be my frank, snotty self again. Stay tuned!