Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Soup fight!!

Okay, that's supposed to be like food fight. HHB saw my "No Soup For You" post and is STILL adament that they didn't force me off the couch. I ask if you could sit on four square inches of couch. Because my ass is too big for that. He's started his own blog, just in case he needs to bitch about me. Bring. It. On.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

One thing down

My cousin is doing okay, her hubby just messaged me on MySpace. No blood clots, and he said call tomorrow. That's a relief, I was worried about her. Now once I get the other things figured out, all is well.

My hart. It hurtz.

That's LOLSpeak for misery. Why am I miserable, you ask? In the order that they occurred to me or I found out about them, not the order of importance:

1) The budget for my office got cut substantially from what I asked. It was already as tight as I could make it. I may be able to get more money at the end of the year, but I hate depending on that possibility.

2) It appears that there will be no going away anything for me at the office. I didn't expect a big to-do, but a luncheon or a little festive get together for fifteen minutes to say goodbye and good luck and make an effort to at least pretend they'd miss me would be nice. :( Four years of my life, and my boss is like an uncle or something, you know? It's not like I work for MegaCorp. Maybe I'm jumping the gun on the self pity and they'll do something tomorrow, but no one has mentioned anything.

3) My cousin is 30 weeks pregnant and in the hospital. She's been having chest pain and trouble breathing and they think it could be a blood clot, so they're watching her. Please keep her in your thoughts, this is her first baby and she's already overwhelmed. And her husband can't take care of himself, as sweet as he is, so he's probably worried about her and/or starving to death.

After my grandma called me, I felt like a whiny little shit about the office thing. It's just a hurt feelings thing, I'm not pissed, and I WANT to be cool about it, but I can't. Damn Pisces emotional personality anyway.

Monday, December 29, 2008


HHB and Spider Monkey just pushed me off the couch. HHB started a game for Spider Monkey, then sat down with me, and suddenly Spider Monkey was up in the middle and I was squeezed into four square inches. So I moved to the chair. Then HHB gave me the stink eye for suggesting that Little Wolf could clean off her own bed. So I think the kitchen is closed this evening if you know what I mean.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Complete and Utter Douchebaggery

I just found out that the Ex might have made some piss poor financial decisions that could have cost me my new job. I think it's straightened out, but now people think that I'M financially irresponsible and I've been embarassed in front of my future bosses. I cannot stress enough how much I want to punch him in the throat right now. I hate that my name is still on some of his bills and he can take me down with his sinking ship.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Um, Pantyhose?

Spider Monkey just looked at me and said "What's wrong with your LEGS?!" I busted out laughing and said, "Honey, they're pantyhose!" And he goes, "What are pantyhose?"

Jesus, Gollum, dress up once in a while, your poor kid doesn't even know what hose are!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Ninja Warrior

Bird is now into "Ninja Warrior" on G4. This was HHB's doing. He says what's the big deal, now he's interested in getting fit. (Note, mind you, that HHB made fun of me for my penchant for watching "American Gladiators" on ESPN Classic.) I say when he starts climbing the curtains, which is an actual Ninja Warrior event, you'll be sorry.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A Clue For You

So I'm toying with the idea of doing this new thing periodically, where I try to help men figure out women. Because I'm the expert you know, being, well, a woman. Clearly that means that I know what ALL women want, just like I know what all white people want...all attorneys...all get the idea. (BTW, there's a whole blog titled "Things White People Like" or something like that, if you're interested in a little funny.) I know the concept is a little presumptuous. But maybe, just maybe, as a way of giving all men a clue, I can help HHB deal with the constantly changing array of moods that is me. So really this is about me and him, couched in a more general "What Women Want" kind of style. It all comes back to me, because this is my freaking blog, the one place in the world where I can indulge my inner attention whore. And yes, I know some of you are saying "inner"? What INNER attention whore, that's all on the surface. Bite me, bitches. ;)

Today's clue is...

Women want to be taken care of. Hold your horses, girls, I'm not done. We like being taken care of. What we don't like is being made to feel like we HAVE to be. So indulge us, pamper us, but always let us know that YOU know that we could do it ourselves. It's not that we can't, it's that we deserve not to have to.

By way of being taken care of, we enjoy sweet emails, phone calls for no reason, and small things almost as much as the big gifts. Note, however, that these are NOT substitutes for nice things for Christmas.

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Fairy Tale....

Once upon a time there was a moderately attractive princess who had a new-to-her carriage that she loved very much. We'll call her Princess Passive-Aggressive, because well, she is. Anyway, Princess Passive-Aggressive and Prince Hot Hippy Boyfriend were driving home from a trip to the Magical Fairy Land mortals call Black Friday, when a foolish Frog who shall never, ever become a prince drove his carriage right out in front of Princess Passive-Aggressive's beautiful new-to-her carriage, smashing it all up. Now Princess Passive-Aggressive has to depend on Prince Hot Hippy Boyfriend to transport her to and from work until Evil Frog Boy calls his minions and tells them they are in fact his minions so that they'll pay for a rental carriage. Princess Passive-Aggressive is more aggressive than passive at this news. She wants to step on the evil Frog and squish his awful froggy guts right out of him.

Where is the happily ever after, you say? Stay posted. I'll let you know when I find out.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

O rly?

Bird came to work with me today. He got up this morning and came in my room, and when I lifted the covers for him, he said, "No, I'm not coming to get in bed, I'm coming to remind you I'm going to work with you today!" Oh, if only it were that exciting for me to come here everyday.

In the car on the way in, I asked him what he wanted Santa to bring him. The following conversation ensued.

Bird: Um...I want a MONSTER TRUCK!
Me (thinking fast): I don't think Santa can fit that on the sleigh.
Him (thinking faster): He could just DRIVE it!
Me (still on my toes): What about the reindeer?
Him (reminding me why I should have had more caffiene before embarking on this conversation): He could tie them to the back.
Me(still not admitting defeat): What about the sleigh?
Him: He could tie it to the back, too.
Me (with my ace in the hole): What about the presents?
Him: He could put them in the trunk. Do monster trucks have trunks?
Me (feeling more hopeful): No, they have beds.
Him (clearly not understanding that lots of things could be hauled in a truck bed): Then Santa could drive ANOTHER car with the presents.
Me (jumping up and down with glee on the inside, I have him now): How can Santa drive two cars at the same time?
Him: Because he's MAGIC!

DAMN DAMN DAMN!! How did I get outsmarted by a four year old? Santa is supposed to be on Mommy's side, always!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Laina Wazowski

Bird drew a picture of me this morning. I had a head with arms and legs sticking out of it, like an M&M:

Or Mike Wazoski:

He does love Monsters, Inc., but I guess this is a normal stage kids go through. I told him to make a second, bigger circle for a body. He drew Garfield. HE got a body. Maybe I should have told him to use a triangle, otherwise I'll end up looking like Mommy the Snowman. Or Fat Mommy. Okay, that hits a little too close to home.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

And now they're being adorable...

Sigh. Why do they do this to me? If they were just beasts all the time, I could run away and never look back. But Bird's playing with his trucks, and Bug is laying on the floor watching Noggin. Oh, wait, now he's coming over to torment the cat and climb on me. Hold the train!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Lord Help Me.

HHB has to work two twelve hour days this weekend (he's on this weird rotating schedule where he has to work two weekends out of five). It's just me and Bird and Bug. Bird actually hung out with my grandma part of the day, but came home around 3.

After dealing with them all day, I'm ready to tear my hair out. They're really good till about 6:30 or 7 usually, and then all hell breaks loose. For the last hour, if one of them wasn't screaming, the other was.

I owe my Ex some super good Christmas cookies for all those weekends he watched them while I was campaigning. I know they're his kids and his responsibility too, but right now they're lucky they're too old to qualify for the safe haven law. I'm sure he had days like this with them, and he never once complained. So extra cookies for him.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Guy was awesome!!!

But the rest of the food show was a bit of a let down. Not enough samples, free or otherwise. I wanted to eat my way through all that Cleveland had to offer. :( I had to get Chipotle on the way home. Maybe next year will be better. But Guy was funny and great about audience participation and just an all around stellar guy. (No pun intended) Watch his Food Network shows, he's awesome.

The Exchange

Well, Saturday went pretty well, considering. Evil Ex (who shall henceforth be referred to as Gollum for her resemblance to said character) pulled up, cigarette hanging from her lips as usual, and I got the stank eye as soon as she saw me in the driver's seat. She somehow managed to not speak a word to HHB as he herded the kids into my mommymobile. The only snag occurred when Bird said, "Mommy, who's that girl in that other car?" I said, "That's Spider Monkey's mom." His eyes got huge and he said, "But MOMMY. She's BAD!"

Do you know how hard it is to shush a four year old while trying not to laugh?

Just a note in my defense--I did NOT tell him she's bad. I haven't even spoken about how bad she is in FRONT of him. He hasn't liked her since May when he thought he wasn't going to get to play with Spider Monkey because she was engaging in her usual douchebaggery. What can I say, my kid is a good judge of character.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Oh Good Times

The beasties and I are going with Hot Hippy Boyfriend to get his kids tomorrow. Since he got home in July, I have managed to avoid contact with Evil Ex, which is probably good after the incident when he was home in May on leave and she called me a whore. The urge to stab her in the face everytime I think of her is damn near overwhelming, god knows how I'll overcome it when she's actually in front of me.

My greatest fear is that she'll say something snarky about my boys. They're perfect of course, but she's not above saying something about them out of spite. After all, she did basically call my youngest a bastard. (No, he isn't, in case there was any doubt.) Hot Hippy Boyfriend (who was then just Hot Hippy Best Friend) was not even in the country when Bug was conceived. Anyway, all of you that have kids know that when someone goes on the attack against your babies, that red lens goes down across your eyes and all you can think is "kill kill kill". Add that to the already present urge to do stabbity things and I'm thinking Hot Hippy Boyfriend should have invested in a Hannibal Lector suit before he takes me in her vicinity again.

But I'll just grit my teeth and keep reminding myself what I was telling someone on Facebook today. A good life is the best revenge, and the only thing she rocks harder than me is Guitar Hero. And that's only because I have a job, friends, great kids, and Hot Hippy Boyfriend to occupy my time, so I don't get a lot of practice. I'd feel sorry for her...except my brain is still screaming "kill kill kill" for that bastard campaign she went on.

I'm so there!

The food show! We're going to see Guy Fieri and wander aisles and aisles of glorious food, cooking utensils, and all things food and cooking related. I am SOOOO psyched that I'm talking like a HS student. From 1995. Sorry about that.

I will make an effort to actually take a camera and take some pics for Monday.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I just found out there is a HUGE food convention in Cleveland, and the boys will be with their dad all day Sunday. I smell a ROAD TRIP in the works! And if it all works out the way I want, I'll even get to rub my little cousin's growing belly. Now all that's left is to get Hot Hippy Boyfriend on board. Shouldn't be too hard, I have means at my disposal.

Back to Blogging

I have too much pent up bitching to NOT blog, so I'm back to blogging. I think I was underground long enough for my cyber-stalking problem to cease, so hopefully I'm in the clear and can be my frank, snotty self again. Stay tuned!