Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Update

Sorry I've been AWOL lately, life has been crazy. We've gotten in and then out of a contract on a house, shuttled kids here there and everywhere, and worked our butts off. Bird started kindergarten this year, and the first week or so was rocky but now he's doing wonderfully. Always comes home with reports of good behavior, and he's making all kinds of friends. Bug is a little lost without his "deedee", but is also enjoying his alone time with my Nan.

And finally, for the big news...I'm getting married next Friday. :) HHF's divorce FINALLY finalized, and we're having a private ceremony next Friday, followed by a honeymoon, followed by a reception next Saturday. :) Which means that THIS Friday is my bachelorette party. Me and 10 or so of the girls are headed to the Big City to raise some hell. Look out C-bus, here we come!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

...but she's still got a few miles left in her

I've blogged about my Nan before, because I was a little worried she was losing her spark. Well, this week the old woman pleasantly surprised me.

She hates telemarketers with a fiery passion she usually reserves for people who shit on her family. For a while, she got to the point that she stopped answering her phone when she didn't recognize the number on caller ID. So the answering machine always kicked on, and that's when inspiration struck her. Her new message goes something like this:

"Hi, you've reached Miss Kitty's Porn Studio. If you are interested in a new career, please leave your name and address, and we'll send you an application. Be sure to enclose a nude photo when you send it back. You have a nice day now!"

If I did this, it wouldn't be nearly as funny. But out of my 68-year old grandma? Priceless.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

He was apparently ready, but I was not. My papaw died this morning. :( I haven't lost anyone really close for a very long time, and I'm not dealing well right now.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Realizations

My daily commute is generally my time for reflection. This morning, as usual, I travelled the twenty minutes to work deep in thought, and during the course of this, I had two important realizations. The first is that my papaw is dying. He's been sick for a long time, and he has ups and downs, but always gets better. So since his latest illness, I've been telling myself he's going to get better, he always does. But it finally hit me this morning that this is the last time. I've been pushing it out of my mind, ignoring what everyone has been telling me about how there's nothing more the doctors can do, they're putting him in hospice, but it's going to be a long time...Then like everything does, it hit me in the car, alone, and I started crying. I realized that it's too late to talk to him about all the things I've been meaning to talk to him about and to visit all the times I've meant to visit.

The second is that I'm no longer fantasizing about suicide. I don't give off a suicidal vibe. Most people who know me don't realize how intensely depressed I can and have gotten at different times over the last couple of years. When I was contemplating leaving the ex, I frequently considered what would happen if I ran off the road and died. Would my kids be better off without me? Would anyone even care? Did I care? The fact that I couldn't definitively answer yes to the first question is the only thing that kept me from doing it. That and the fact that I wasn't sure if I'd actually die, and after watching my parents suffer from injuries from car accidents, I didn't really want to go through all that.

So this morning I hydroplaned a little. And I corrected and it was all good. But it hit me that I didn't have a brief moment of relief at the thought that this might be it. And that in fact, I hadn't contemplated it for a long time. Because even as frustrated as I got with HHF's divorce, and my job, overall, life is worth it. And at this point, it feels like it always will be.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Pancakes, Road Kill Style

I saw him sitting there from about 100 feet away. I admired his tiny cuteness as he put his little paws up to his mouth and stuffed something in his cheek pouches. I watched him put his paws down and crouch as he became aware of my vehicle barreling towards him. I diligently guesstimated how to straddle him with my tires to preserve his tiny self in all his cuteness.

I am not a good judge of distance. My tire hit him like a rolling pin hits dough, or a pasta roller makes noodles. He was instantly compressed into a round chipmunk fur disk, which I gazed at, horrified, in the rearview mirror. A tiny segment of my day, but one I spent more time than appropriate beating myself up about. I make big decisions that affect people's lives everyday, but I agonized over the fate of one slightly suicidal chipmunk for hours. Rational? Probably not entirely. But the people I deal with have a lot more options than that poor chipmunk, who chose to hunker down and wait for me to pass instead of zigzagging around in a panic on the asphalt.

Friday, June 5, 2009

SURPRISE!

I called my grandma to let her know I was on my way to get the boys. She told me Bird was really excited because he had a surprise. Boy did he.

A CAT. She got him a freaking kitten. Now when we move, we have Fat Cat, Fatter Cat (who's currently at the humane society but is coming once we're moved into our house), Big Dumb Dog (also at the humane society), possibly another puppy if there are boxers left, AND a kitten. Can you say menagerie?

And the important part of this post...we're buying a house if the appraisal goes well. We're waiting for the results. Keep your fingers crossed. Hence all the animals. I had to talk them into Fat Cat when I moved here and I promised no other pets. We had the illicit rabbit (RIP Halle Bunny) but she was mostly in the garage. Now that we're getting our own place, which is huge and in the country, we're making up for lost time apparently.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Aging

Today I was following an annoyingly slow driver and I thought, "Why is this jerk driving like a grandma?" And I thought about how, when I was little, my grandma drove like a bat out of hell. I mean, 60 mph and hollering. Once, I was helping her move, and we got to the new house with a load, and she goes, "Where's my toaster?" I saw it on the way back to get another load. Her crazy ass had went around a curve too fast, and the toaster was roadkill. But that was before I could even drive myself.

Now? She drives like, well, a grandma. I hate moments like that, because it forces me to realize that she really is getting older. I wish I could freeze her in time, flying around the corners, tossing toasters off the back of the truck.